“My newest team member has an instant rapport with my newest client. I don’t believe in luck, Sheldon, but I may have to reconsider.”
Nell seemed quite pleased with herself. Normally I would enjoy defecating all over another’s parade. Not this time. Not with Nell. Not over a perfectly cooked steak. But bad news for me was like diarrhea. It had to get out.
“Well, Nell, luck moves in both directions. If you knew my complete history with the Burnett Media crew, you’d understand that you may have actually created a dilemma. When it comes to Burnett Media, I’m actually more of a liability to you than an asset.”
In my brief time away from CNC, Burnett Media had predictably swooped in to acquire the plucky upstart cable channel in a stock trade. Jeff got exactly what he wanted. He was now on the fast track to becoming Burnett Media royalty, bringing his brother-in-law along for the ride. Mason Burnett inevitably had made the move from the bush league pyramid scheme that was Ephimria to Papa Burnett’s multi-national mega-corporation. I had mentioned to Nell, shortly after meeting her for the first time, a little bit about my acrimonious departure from CNC. Burnett Media’s recent acquisition was a minor blip in world news. I could see how it could slip past her radar. I filled her in, reiterated my CNC departure saga, and marveled at the irony of Burnett’s Talking Heads delegation. Nell’s reaction caught me off guard.
After a heartfelt laugh, she said as she pushed her papaya salad around her plate, “I think we’re both very lucky.”
“Bad lucky? I didn’t sense any sarcasm there.”
“You have an excellent opportunity to make peace with your former colleagues.”
“I’ll have to show you the agreement I signed when I left CNC. It’s not one of those sappy goodbye and good luck cards you get at your going away party. Hell, they didn’t even throw me a going away party.”
“Sheldon, I tend to steer clear of coarse language, but quite some time ago I once told a former rival that she could take her arrogant smile and put it in the warm, dark, disease-infested place between her legs… not so eloquently. I then proceeded to poach a majority of her clientele. Now she is probably one of my closest friends—a BFF as you would say.”
“Wow. Who extended the olive branch first in that little exchange?”
“I don’t quite remember. It was a very mutual reconciliation. Our paths crossed many years after the outburst, and there was no room in the world for the old animosity to exist.”
“There is plenty of room in my world. I’m pretty much against most of what Burnett Media stands for. We’re not going to see eye to eye on anything, and getting Burnett Media to change direction would be like trying to steer the Titanic.”
“You’re no iceberg, Sheldon. Sometimes we can promote change more easily from inside an organization. This negative energy towards Burnett Media needs to stop. Millions of dollars are at stake.”
“I don’t know. Can’t I just stick to lecturing the downtrodden and underprivileged? I’m really hitting my stride in that arena.”
“We would all love to help those who need it the most. There is just no money in it. I can’t have one of my team members running around involved in all the pro bono work, subsidized by the dollars the rest of my team is earning. I don’t have much use for you if you can’t operate in the corporate world. This is reality, Sheldon. I can reach thousands more downtrodden and underprivileged people by whispering into the ear of one millionaire. You are a celebrity, Sheldon, because people want to hear what you have to say. Someone needs to pay for your wisdom. Eventually, you could be charging hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars for one seat in a room full of many seats for people that want to hear you speak.”
“And then we start putting out Sheldon DVD’s and CD’s and books and t-shirts. I get it. Little kids will find little plastic Sheldon’s in their Happy Meals.”
“Don’t dismiss it. Better you than someone else. You know your message, your worldview, has value.”
“That’s exactly why I don’t want to rush to cheapen and dilute that message. The monetary rewards might be awesome, but there is this little thing called integrity that ranks pretty high with me and many other like-minded folks.”
“I would never ask you to compromise your precious integrity, Sheldon. Just look at this Burnett Media deal as a chance to make the world a better place. The fact that it earns us a great deal of money is secondary.”
“Just remember, Nell, non-delusional honesty is my M.O. Think about that before you put me up in front of the wolves.”
“I would expect nothing less.”
I wasn’t sure if the excuses Gorin and Tawny provided for not making it to dinner were manufactured by them or by Nell. It was starting to look like Nell was keen to focus on the new Burnett Media deal. Damn the torpedoes. Nell wanted to ram me right into the bow of one of the largest media corporations in the world.
Surprisingly we did squeeze in some personal talk throughout the course of the meal. I learned that Michael Haneke was Nell’s favorite director. I didn’t think the woman had time to watch movies. It would have been a great conversation starter had I actually seen any of Haneke’s films. Instead, I listened while Nell told me how badass a director he is. I made a little note to myself as I bid Nell good night to see if any Haneke films were in the pay-per-view listings back in my hotel room. I had a feeling though that I would be trolling the depths of pay-per-view porn once again.
I was starting to come around to Nell’s idea of mending old relationships. I hadn’t spoken with Jeff in a long time, and I truly missed the S.O.B. I grabbed my mobile phone out of my pocket to give him a quick call. As I was about to press the call button, my phone started vibrating and blinking. Jeff’s name and face beamed at me from the tiny screen. Were they running some sort of illegal mind tap over there? This was weirding me out. I was about to call the man, and now I was having trouble picking up his call. I finally convinced my thumb to do its thing and brought the phone up to my ear.
“Well, hello, Jeff. I was just about to call you.”
“Somehow I believe you, Shel. How’s it going?”
“Still trying to figure that out. It was fantastic to see you and the gang earlier today. Such a pleasant surprise.”
“We all got a big kick out of it too. Nell Tanner is a well-respected name. What’s she doing hanging out with a joker like you?”
“Earning her street cred. How’s life with Burnett Media?”
“Lucky for me they had a vacancy—head of Burnett Cable Entertainment. I’m watching over almost a dozen channels now.”
“Is watching over the same as watching? You’re going to rot your brain if it is.”
“I’ll admit some of our properties need a little polishing, but it’s a great opportunity—a great challenge.”
“You deserve it, pal. How’s Another Fifteen coming along without me?”
“Well, we had a little false start there with Stuart and sputtered along. Then Cami talked to me about taking over the show completely a little while ago. Something just clicked with her. You should really check it out. She’s made it her own. It’s not the same show anymore, but it’s good. When I got bumped up to head of all cable TV, I offered her my old job, but she wants to stick with Another Fifteen.”
“I’m actually glad to hear it.”
“Hey, we’re going over to the Slit for a little T&A. You should come by so we can all get our heads around this idea of you working for the Tanner Agency and how this is going to play out. Do you know how to get there?”
“I’m guessing it’s not going to show up on my map search. Text me the address.”
“All right. You’re coming. We’ll be there in an hour. See you then.”
Simulated sex. I was going to try my damnedest to avoid it. A rather dim-witted old high school friend of mine spent a couple years’ salary on simulated sex. He had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend and was in a very fragile emotional state. He was above hookers, but not above hitting the local nudey bar. There was dancer there he took a liking to. She promised him they would be together some day when the time was right. It took him two years to figure out the time would never be right. She just strung him along to keep him coming back for more as he tried to buy her love.
As a wee lad, I could only imagine what went on at a strip club. I pictured a stage with a bunch of comfortable seats. A woman would step onto the stage fully clothed. Then she would slowly take off each piece of apparel one after the other while trombone players slid their slides through blue notes and the men in the audience diddled themselves. A long time ago I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it was done. Now the women come on stage completely naked and pretty much fuck whatever object is on the stage. And the stage barely takes up any real estate in the club. Most of the property is dedicated to darkened corridors where pre-whores dry hump the paying customers.
The Slit was actually a notch above most establishments. It was more of speakeasy and operated on the down low. It was quite popular with senators, congressmen, and the clergy. And of course for all the convention-goers in Orlando who were in the know, the Slit was the place to go.
When I walked in, somehow the receptionist recognized me immediately and escorted me to a private executive room where I found Jeff, Mason, Ian, and one other fellow who I did not recognize. It was almost clichéd to see them sipping brandy, smoking cigars, and playing bridge. What made it atypical was that amongst the gentlemen, some of the finest pairs of tits south of the Mason-Dixon Line were waiting on them hand and foot.
“They’ll do anything you want them to, Shel,” smiled Jeff.
“Honey, can you bring my friend here a tall G and T?” Jeff smacked her ass as she left to get my drink.
“Don’t you call your wife, Honey, Jeff?”
“Oh, Honey is her name. Or at least that’s what she told me her name is.”
“I’m sure that’s what her mom named her,” cackled Mason.
“I bet you’re excited to see me, eh, Mason?” I asked the son of Gaston Burnett.
“I’ve always liked you, Shel.”
“But I’ve always thought you were a douche bag. How am I going to get past that?”
Ian almost sprayed his brandy out through his nostrils.
Mason replied, “It’s true. I was raised a douche bag. I can’t deny it. It’s all I know how to be. I need your help, Sheldon. Show me how to not be such a douche bag.”
“I don’t know if it’s something you can fix, but admitting what you are is definitely a step in the right direction. There may be hope for you.”
Ian and the girl attached to him made their way over to me. Ian put his arm around me for a solid guy hug.
“It’s good to see you, Shel. It’s been too long. Can I have Darling here do anything for you?”
Darling was darling.
I said to Darling, “Darling, I try to make it a point these days to be a girl’s number one fuck. I doubt I would be able to fill that spot for you with all the competition I face from your past fucks.”
“Come on, Shel, don’t be dick. I know it’s been a while for you.”
“Actually, it hasn’t. But even it had…”
Jeff took control. “The women are distracting us. Ladies, please leave for a little while the big boys talk.”
After I got my drink, and the girls started clearing out I reminded them, “You don’t have to be objects. You don’t.”
Jeff got down to business.
“So, Shel, this is quite a coincidence. We can’t shake you. You can’t shake us.”
“Un-fucking-believable is what it is.”
“Shel, meet Jim Hebert. Jim is an old friend of mine and Mason as well. He’s in town too for Talking Heads.”
I shook Jim’s hand.
Jeff went on, “My first thought was, ‘We gotta back out of this deal.’ I mean you’re contractually persona non grata. The thing is, we all like you. And if one of the recipients of your drunken tirade hadn’t been Gaston Burnett, most likely, you’d still be at CNC doing what you love doing.”
“So it pretty much boils down to Gaston Burnett.”
“Gaston is the fucking dark prince. You don’t fuck with Gaston. Mason will even tell you. The man has his hands on all the strings. It’s not total conspiracy theory bullshit, but let’s just say that Gaston Burnett is one of the most powerful men in the world.”
“Ephimria?”
Mason explained, “My dad dreamed it up one day. He said, ‘Mason, make it happen.’”
Jeff continued, “I think we’re okay with this. Our deal is with Nell Tanner. So you, Shel, happen to work for Nell—a very minor little itty bitty fact.”
“Why risk it? You guys obviously fear this man a great deal. If he finds out I’m involved in some way, aren’t you all a little fucked?”
“Well, he’s old. We’re thinking your little excommunication might have been a tiny footnote to his day… long forgotten.”
“Maybe I’ll get it someday. Maybe I’ll understand I’m some pawn in a game that’s way above my head. You guys do what you want to do. If I happen to be speaking to a crowd of Burnett people and Gaston comes walking in, I’m not going to change it up one bit. It’s not going to faze me. There’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing he could say.”
All four men were smiling.
Nell seemed quite pleased with herself. Normally I would enjoy defecating all over another’s parade. Not this time. Not with Nell. Not over a perfectly cooked steak. But bad news for me was like diarrhea. It had to get out.
“Well, Nell, luck moves in both directions. If you knew my complete history with the Burnett Media crew, you’d understand that you may have actually created a dilemma. When it comes to Burnett Media, I’m actually more of a liability to you than an asset.”
In my brief time away from CNC, Burnett Media had predictably swooped in to acquire the plucky upstart cable channel in a stock trade. Jeff got exactly what he wanted. He was now on the fast track to becoming Burnett Media royalty, bringing his brother-in-law along for the ride. Mason Burnett inevitably had made the move from the bush league pyramid scheme that was Ephimria to Papa Burnett’s multi-national mega-corporation. I had mentioned to Nell, shortly after meeting her for the first time, a little bit about my acrimonious departure from CNC. Burnett Media’s recent acquisition was a minor blip in world news. I could see how it could slip past her radar. I filled her in, reiterated my CNC departure saga, and marveled at the irony of Burnett’s Talking Heads delegation. Nell’s reaction caught me off guard.
After a heartfelt laugh, she said as she pushed her papaya salad around her plate, “I think we’re both very lucky.”
“Bad lucky? I didn’t sense any sarcasm there.”
“You have an excellent opportunity to make peace with your former colleagues.”
“I’ll have to show you the agreement I signed when I left CNC. It’s not one of those sappy goodbye and good luck cards you get at your going away party. Hell, they didn’t even throw me a going away party.”
“Sheldon, I tend to steer clear of coarse language, but quite some time ago I once told a former rival that she could take her arrogant smile and put it in the warm, dark, disease-infested place between her legs… not so eloquently. I then proceeded to poach a majority of her clientele. Now she is probably one of my closest friends—a BFF as you would say.”
“Wow. Who extended the olive branch first in that little exchange?”
“I don’t quite remember. It was a very mutual reconciliation. Our paths crossed many years after the outburst, and there was no room in the world for the old animosity to exist.”
“There is plenty of room in my world. I’m pretty much against most of what Burnett Media stands for. We’re not going to see eye to eye on anything, and getting Burnett Media to change direction would be like trying to steer the Titanic.”
“You’re no iceberg, Sheldon. Sometimes we can promote change more easily from inside an organization. This negative energy towards Burnett Media needs to stop. Millions of dollars are at stake.”
“I don’t know. Can’t I just stick to lecturing the downtrodden and underprivileged? I’m really hitting my stride in that arena.”
“We would all love to help those who need it the most. There is just no money in it. I can’t have one of my team members running around involved in all the pro bono work, subsidized by the dollars the rest of my team is earning. I don’t have much use for you if you can’t operate in the corporate world. This is reality, Sheldon. I can reach thousands more downtrodden and underprivileged people by whispering into the ear of one millionaire. You are a celebrity, Sheldon, because people want to hear what you have to say. Someone needs to pay for your wisdom. Eventually, you could be charging hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars for one seat in a room full of many seats for people that want to hear you speak.”
“And then we start putting out Sheldon DVD’s and CD’s and books and t-shirts. I get it. Little kids will find little plastic Sheldon’s in their Happy Meals.”
“Don’t dismiss it. Better you than someone else. You know your message, your worldview, has value.”
“That’s exactly why I don’t want to rush to cheapen and dilute that message. The monetary rewards might be awesome, but there is this little thing called integrity that ranks pretty high with me and many other like-minded folks.”
“I would never ask you to compromise your precious integrity, Sheldon. Just look at this Burnett Media deal as a chance to make the world a better place. The fact that it earns us a great deal of money is secondary.”
“Just remember, Nell, non-delusional honesty is my M.O. Think about that before you put me up in front of the wolves.”
“I would expect nothing less.”
I wasn’t sure if the excuses Gorin and Tawny provided for not making it to dinner were manufactured by them or by Nell. It was starting to look like Nell was keen to focus on the new Burnett Media deal. Damn the torpedoes. Nell wanted to ram me right into the bow of one of the largest media corporations in the world.
Surprisingly we did squeeze in some personal talk throughout the course of the meal. I learned that Michael Haneke was Nell’s favorite director. I didn’t think the woman had time to watch movies. It would have been a great conversation starter had I actually seen any of Haneke’s films. Instead, I listened while Nell told me how badass a director he is. I made a little note to myself as I bid Nell good night to see if any Haneke films were in the pay-per-view listings back in my hotel room. I had a feeling though that I would be trolling the depths of pay-per-view porn once again.
I was starting to come around to Nell’s idea of mending old relationships. I hadn’t spoken with Jeff in a long time, and I truly missed the S.O.B. I grabbed my mobile phone out of my pocket to give him a quick call. As I was about to press the call button, my phone started vibrating and blinking. Jeff’s name and face beamed at me from the tiny screen. Were they running some sort of illegal mind tap over there? This was weirding me out. I was about to call the man, and now I was having trouble picking up his call. I finally convinced my thumb to do its thing and brought the phone up to my ear.
“Well, hello, Jeff. I was just about to call you.”
“Somehow I believe you, Shel. How’s it going?”
“Still trying to figure that out. It was fantastic to see you and the gang earlier today. Such a pleasant surprise.”
“We all got a big kick out of it too. Nell Tanner is a well-respected name. What’s she doing hanging out with a joker like you?”
“Earning her street cred. How’s life with Burnett Media?”
“Lucky for me they had a vacancy—head of Burnett Cable Entertainment. I’m watching over almost a dozen channels now.”
“Is watching over the same as watching? You’re going to rot your brain if it is.”
“I’ll admit some of our properties need a little polishing, but it’s a great opportunity—a great challenge.”
“You deserve it, pal. How’s Another Fifteen coming along without me?”
“Well, we had a little false start there with Stuart and sputtered along. Then Cami talked to me about taking over the show completely a little while ago. Something just clicked with her. You should really check it out. She’s made it her own. It’s not the same show anymore, but it’s good. When I got bumped up to head of all cable TV, I offered her my old job, but she wants to stick with Another Fifteen.”
“I’m actually glad to hear it.”
“Hey, we’re going over to the Slit for a little T&A. You should come by so we can all get our heads around this idea of you working for the Tanner Agency and how this is going to play out. Do you know how to get there?”
“I’m guessing it’s not going to show up on my map search. Text me the address.”
“All right. You’re coming. We’ll be there in an hour. See you then.”
---
Simulated sex. I was going to try my damnedest to avoid it. A rather dim-witted old high school friend of mine spent a couple years’ salary on simulated sex. He had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend and was in a very fragile emotional state. He was above hookers, but not above hitting the local nudey bar. There was dancer there he took a liking to. She promised him they would be together some day when the time was right. It took him two years to figure out the time would never be right. She just strung him along to keep him coming back for more as he tried to buy her love.
As a wee lad, I could only imagine what went on at a strip club. I pictured a stage with a bunch of comfortable seats. A woman would step onto the stage fully clothed. Then she would slowly take off each piece of apparel one after the other while trombone players slid their slides through blue notes and the men in the audience diddled themselves. A long time ago I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it was done. Now the women come on stage completely naked and pretty much fuck whatever object is on the stage. And the stage barely takes up any real estate in the club. Most of the property is dedicated to darkened corridors where pre-whores dry hump the paying customers.
The Slit was actually a notch above most establishments. It was more of speakeasy and operated on the down low. It was quite popular with senators, congressmen, and the clergy. And of course for all the convention-goers in Orlando who were in the know, the Slit was the place to go.
When I walked in, somehow the receptionist recognized me immediately and escorted me to a private executive room where I found Jeff, Mason, Ian, and one other fellow who I did not recognize. It was almost clichéd to see them sipping brandy, smoking cigars, and playing bridge. What made it atypical was that amongst the gentlemen, some of the finest pairs of tits south of the Mason-Dixon Line were waiting on them hand and foot.
“They’ll do anything you want them to, Shel,” smiled Jeff.
“Honey, can you bring my friend here a tall G and T?” Jeff smacked her ass as she left to get my drink.
“Don’t you call your wife, Honey, Jeff?”
“Oh, Honey is her name. Or at least that’s what she told me her name is.”
“I’m sure that’s what her mom named her,” cackled Mason.
“I bet you’re excited to see me, eh, Mason?” I asked the son of Gaston Burnett.
“I’ve always liked you, Shel.”
“But I’ve always thought you were a douche bag. How am I going to get past that?”
Ian almost sprayed his brandy out through his nostrils.
Mason replied, “It’s true. I was raised a douche bag. I can’t deny it. It’s all I know how to be. I need your help, Sheldon. Show me how to not be such a douche bag.”
“I don’t know if it’s something you can fix, but admitting what you are is definitely a step in the right direction. There may be hope for you.”
Ian and the girl attached to him made their way over to me. Ian put his arm around me for a solid guy hug.
“It’s good to see you, Shel. It’s been too long. Can I have Darling here do anything for you?”
Darling was darling.
I said to Darling, “Darling, I try to make it a point these days to be a girl’s number one fuck. I doubt I would be able to fill that spot for you with all the competition I face from your past fucks.”
“Come on, Shel, don’t be dick. I know it’s been a while for you.”
“Actually, it hasn’t. But even it had…”
Jeff took control. “The women are distracting us. Ladies, please leave for a little while the big boys talk.”
After I got my drink, and the girls started clearing out I reminded them, “You don’t have to be objects. You don’t.”
Jeff got down to business.
“So, Shel, this is quite a coincidence. We can’t shake you. You can’t shake us.”
“Un-fucking-believable is what it is.”
“Shel, meet Jim Hebert. Jim is an old friend of mine and Mason as well. He’s in town too for Talking Heads.”
I shook Jim’s hand.
Jeff went on, “My first thought was, ‘We gotta back out of this deal.’ I mean you’re contractually persona non grata. The thing is, we all like you. And if one of the recipients of your drunken tirade hadn’t been Gaston Burnett, most likely, you’d still be at CNC doing what you love doing.”
“So it pretty much boils down to Gaston Burnett.”
“Gaston is the fucking dark prince. You don’t fuck with Gaston. Mason will even tell you. The man has his hands on all the strings. It’s not total conspiracy theory bullshit, but let’s just say that Gaston Burnett is one of the most powerful men in the world.”
“Ephimria?”
Mason explained, “My dad dreamed it up one day. He said, ‘Mason, make it happen.’”
Jeff continued, “I think we’re okay with this. Our deal is with Nell Tanner. So you, Shel, happen to work for Nell—a very minor little itty bitty fact.”
“Why risk it? You guys obviously fear this man a great deal. If he finds out I’m involved in some way, aren’t you all a little fucked?”
“Well, he’s old. We’re thinking your little excommunication might have been a tiny footnote to his day… long forgotten.”
“Maybe I’ll get it someday. Maybe I’ll understand I’m some pawn in a game that’s way above my head. You guys do what you want to do. If I happen to be speaking to a crowd of Burnett people and Gaston comes walking in, I’m not going to change it up one bit. It’s not going to faze me. There’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing he could say.”
All four men were smiling.
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