The end of my shift working the booth seemed like it took a couple revolutions around the sun before it finally arrived. Usually I could keep a conversation going from starting whistle to quitting whistle. In my hazy condition, I was a bit off my game. It didn’t help that I was able to condense our core message around perfecting the art of success into a one minute spiel. I checked my watch—11:04. An interested conference attendee ambled up to have a chat. I went through the motions, smiling, nodding, raising my eyebrows, and calling on the power of Thor to keep from wincing. I handed him one of our information packets. I figured that had to have taken five or six minutes. I checked my watch—11:06. Was it the coke, the caffeine, or me just wanting to draw the shades and climb back under the covers? Stimulants had their place in the theory of relativity. The booze last night helped, but I really should have asked one of the boys for an Ambien, Xanax, Valium, or even a joint. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when I made it back to my room. The previous bouts of sleep were rare gifts squashed by my early morning.
I had just collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes when my phone began to make noises. Nell wanted to make sure I was going to make it to the lecture on web-based presentations. She really wanted me to get familiar with the latest tech. Had she been talking to Fran? She also had a special surprise for me and the rest of the Tanner gang. I rolled off my bed, slipped my shoes back on, and took the long elevator ride back down. Web-based presentation technology I could care less about, but oh, how I loved surprises. I had time for the three block walk to the convention center. Some dweeb rolled past me on a Segway scooter. I guess he really wanted a good seat.
The lecture turned out to be some decent entertainment. Most of the presentation was delivered via a high resolution projection. Some kid in jeans and a tight-fitting plaid shirt on the other side of the country conversed seamlessly with his khaki-wearing counterpart in Orlando. The kid was even able to field questions from the crowd hearing them through a microphone and spying the questioners’ expressions through a digital camera. After a while, I almost forgot he wasn’t actually in the room with us. I wanted to know who their ISP was. I try to stream porn, and I end up vacuuming the house while I wait for the video to buffer.
After the presentation, we reassembled at the booth, and Nell filled us all in on her little surprise.
“I have a little fun lined up for us tonight.”
Don’t tell me she was taking us to the Slit.
“A friend of mine works for one of the theme parks around here. He’s working on a new attraction and has invited us to come by for a sneak peek and dinner.”
Tawny started freaking out as if John, Paul, George, and Ringo walked into the room.
“Oh my God! I love Disneyworld! Omygawd. Omygawd.”
Nell smiled and almost looked like she enjoyed deflating Tawny.
“It’s not Disneyworld, dear.”
Maybe it was the Slit.
Gorin grunted. “This is Marcus Rhys Goodrich you speak of. I will come.” Beneath that beard I could sense a jaw of titanium-coated granite. I couldn’t tell if Gorin liked or wanted to kill this Marcus character.
Nell nodded.
She had also surmised what state I was in. As we dispersed, Nell handed me a little pill and whispered, “Just make sure you make it to the lobby by seven. The train won’t wait, and Marcus assures me, we will be impressed. You might want to cut that in half.”
Now my boss was my pill supplier.
I decided to save the whole pill for bedtime and managed to down quite a few cups of coffee before seven o’clock crept up on me. There was a time in my life when I could palpably sense a large dose of caffeine actively coursing through me. I think I was twelve.
I was looking forward to spending more time with the boss lady, but I had mixed feelings about getting cozy with Gorin and Tawny. We all piled into a plush limousine which magically transported us to our surprise destination.
Tawny was visibly excited. There was a twinkle in her eyes. I found it incredible how she had been able to hold on to that innocence and enthusiasm after coming down from that gold medal podium so long ago never to return. I don’t think I ever had that level of hopefulness even when I was a wee lad.
“Did I tell you guys I’m not really all that into surprises?”
“Afraid of the unknown, Shel?” Gorin asked.
“I just like to have all known information revealed as soon as possible, so I can act on it appropriately.”
“That’s not very much fun,” Tawny said.
“Yeah, it’s also not a lot of fun when the surprise is a block of blue cheese when I fucking hate blue cheese.”
“I think Sheldon has trust issues,” suggested Nell.
“You got me.”
“You have to open yourself up enough to let someone know you enough, so that person can invent a worthy surprise for you. Shall I reveal the details, Sheldon, and ruin the surprise for everyone?”
“Please, don’t, Nell,” cried Tawny.
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. It’s a surprise for me too. Marcus wouldn’t tell me anything about it, and I haven’t talked to him in over two years, so I have no idea what he has been working on. What I can say is that Marcus has worked on some amazing theme park experiences in the past. He knows how to please a crowd.”
“There are countless pop culture phenomena that do absolutely nothing for me. And the past does not automatically guarantee future success. I’m just saying.”
“So it’s the cynical Sheldon with us in the limo today.”
“Even if this elevates my consciousness to a previously unreachable dimension, I’ll be annoyed that I wasn’t better prepared to take full advantage of its enlightening powers.”
“No one ever threw you a surprise party?” Tawny asked.
“Someone has. Many have tried. It pisses me off every time.”
Tawny had to know. “Tell us about the worst surprise party anyone has ever thrown for you.”
If I couldn’t ruin the surprise for her, at least I could ruin her optimism over surprise parties.
“Well, my ex-wife pulled off quite a doozy when we were married, and she should have known better. It started off with her claiming that she had to go out of town on business during my birthday. No big deal. ‘You have to work. We’ll celebrate when you get back.’ So (A) I’m not even that sad about it. It’s not like my mamma telling me that it doesn’t look like she can afford to get me the camera I want for Christmas with me walking around dejected up until Christmas only to find out she could afford it, and now I’m angry at her for lying to me. I mean I was happy to get the camera, but I had already written it off and moved on with my life, and now she’s dumping it on me expecting me to be overjoyed. Sorry, Ma. It would have been nice to know you had gotten me the camera before I had already slipped a demo into my backpack at the store with my five finger discount. I can’t undo becoming a thief.
“So let me get back to the story. (B) I don’t think my wife is going to be home, so it’s not like I have to get home right away. I end up telling one of the few people at my work that wasn’t invited to the party about how my wife is out of town on my birthday. I mention that it’s no big deal. I’m not down in the dumps about it. I’m a little miffed that all my friends have shit going on. (They’re really going to my party.) This girl at work thinks, ‘Oh, you can’t be alone on your birthday. I’ll take you out drinking.’ This is a perfectly noble gesture. I’m not going to turn her down. It was my birthday. I was going to knock a few back regardless, and it’s a little less pathetic when you have someone to drink with.
“Hours go by. Everyone is wondering where the hell I am. I’m getting drunker by the minute with my new best friend and her girlfriends. No one can call me to see where I’m at because they’re all supposed to have ‘other plans’. Finally one of my buddies calls me up saying his schedule freed up and he wants to hang out. Maybe we could get a card game going with the other guys or watch a Stallone movie or Caddyshack or Blazing Saddles at my place. Of course I’m cool with that. I figure it wouldn’t be cool to just ditch my colleague and her crew, so I bring them with me. I open the door to my place at like a quarter to eleven surrounded by three young women, and there behind the door is everyone I know. You can kind of imagine how that looked to everyone at the party.”
“Well, Sheldon, being married means no more carousing with other women,” retorted Tawny.
“Yeah, I can understand that to certain degree, but this girl was trying to do something nice for me. I doubt she had any machinations for me. Yeah, I’m always walking a tightrope when women and intoxicating substances are involved, but in this case it was a pretty thick rope.”
“You need to hone your sixth sense, my friend,” advised Gorin.
“Up to that point I had told my wife many times how much I was not down for surprises. I figured someone who supposedly loved me would never consciously do something to me I admittedly despised. But you’re right, with all the other shit she did to me that I despised, I should have seen it coming. I was a little naïve.”
Nell reassured me, “Sheldon, this surprise should be nothing like your unfortunate past experiences.”
We finally arrived at a security gate and were promptly allowed to pass into the subterranean section of a rather large parking structure. A spunky minder and not Marcus Rhys Goodrich himself was there to meet us at the unloading zone. She guided us through a series of underground tunnels until we ascended a staircase back to the open air into what appeared to be a re-creation of a street in an idealized Victorian London with a touch of Dickens, a touch of Goth, and a touch of whimsy. Some of the facades were still incomplete, and the entire street was vacant except for a few anachronistic construction workers. We followed our minder and a row of gas lamps up the street to a grand gothic castle. The level of detail was awe-inspiring. We were in a world that nowadays in Hollywood would be rendered with a computer. We crossed the drawbridge and passed under the portcullis into the courtyard filled with multiple grotesque statues. We entered the main hall of the castle keep, and then our minder bid us adieu closing the giant door behind us.
“If I was in the fifth grade, this would be pretty fucking awesome.”
“This is kind of freaky,” whimpered Tawny.
Suddenly a series of multicolored flashing lights filled the room, and an explosion of thick smoke filled the other end of the room. As the smoke cleared, we saw a small very late middle aged man holding a wooden staff in what could only be called a wizard’s robe. He spoke in a loud and nasally voice. His accent was a Scottish/English hybrid.
“Welcome to MERLIN’S CASTLE!”
Then he had a puzzled look on his face.
“Nell, I didn’t know you were bringing friends.”
“I emailed. I texted. I left you a voicemail. I told you I was bringing my staff. You never got back to me. I assumed it wouldn’t be a problem. You’re always such a gracious host, Marcus.”
It looked like Marcus was the one who was surprised.
“No. No problem at all. One second, while I make some adjustments.”
Marcus pulled up his robe to fish out his phone from a pocket in his jeans. He called to give new instructions to the kitchen and then returned his attention to our group.
“Um, yes. It is a pleasure to meet you all. I recognize you, Mister, uh, Sheldon and of course the great Ms. Tawny Prietch. Hello, Gorin. It’s always a pleasure. Uh, dinner will be arriving a little later, so please feel free to explore the castle while Nell and I discuss some matters. Come back in half hour and everything will be ready.”
Marcus extended his hand to each of us. Tawny gushed. Gorin, Marcus, and Nell exchanged glances as if to make sure Marcus’ suggestion was satisfactory. Apparently it was, so Tawny and I followed Gorin deeper into the castle to let Nell and Marcus talk about whatever it was they needed to talk about.
“Hey, Gorin, you seem to be a little more tuned in to what’s going on around here. I don’t want to pry, but what the hell is going on around here?”
“Marcus is genius, but he is idiot when it comes to women. I am certain he is infatuated with Nell.”
“And you? You’re a genius with the ladies.”
“I am practical.”
Gorin pulled out his mobile phone to show me a picture of him looking like a bearded douche bag on his yacht with a group of Ukrainian models.
“Can we talk about something else?” whined Tawny as we traversed the parapets.
“Okay, Tawny, let’s talk about your fat ass,” said Gorin out of left field.
“Fuck off, Gorin.”
“Uh, Gorin, Tawny is the antithesis of fat,” I said coming to Tawny’s defense.
“Tell him, Tawny.”
Tawny appeared defeated. Here I was with an extremely rich dude and a world class athlete, and it felt like they were rehearsing their lines for a crappy reality show.
“Tawny, I don’t know what Gorin is talking about, and it really doesn’t matter.”
“No, it’s okay. After I won the gold, I kind of went a little downhill trying to get my life together. After the constant routine of gymnastics dominating most of my life up until that point starting from early childhood, it was quite a shock to me emotionally and physically to not have that routine there. My metabolism was super screwed up from all the training and dieting. I just couldn’t stay thin and ballooned up fifty pounds—maybe sixty at the most. I was pretty miserable. If it wasn’t for Nell, I’d probably still be fat and sad.”
“So why are you trying to bring Tawny down, Gorin?”
“She steals my gigs all the time. She doesn’t have business, entrepreneurial background like me, but she does Fortune 500 events. Is silly.”
“Well, Sheldon is doing Burnett Media. How does that make you feel?”
“Yeah, Gorin, what’s your take on Burnett Media? I’ve got a checkered past with them, and somehow I’m in the hot seat on this one.”
“I also have past with Burnett Media. I immediately recuse myself from any dealings with them.”
“Really? You got to tell me about this.”
“After wall come down, I think I can help shape new free market in my home country. I buy radio and TV station in Russia. I always love TV. I like travel shows and information. But running honest station in Russia is very hard. Very early, Burnett Media wants to buy my station. They want into Russian market. Of course I refuse. A few years pass, and is more difficult to ignore suggestions from the state. Sometimes they ask me to change things nicely. Sometimes not so nicely. Sometimes my people get hurt. I need support from global power. I turn back to Burnett. They want majority share. Only way I accept is to remain as CEO. They agree. How long before I step down? Not one year. Manufactured evidence, doctored photographs, implicating me in human trafficking ring. I have to step down. This is Burnett Media. I do not like Burnett Media.”
“Holy fuck, Gorin. I have to say your Burnett Media story totally trumps mine.”
I had just collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes when my phone began to make noises. Nell wanted to make sure I was going to make it to the lecture on web-based presentations. She really wanted me to get familiar with the latest tech. Had she been talking to Fran? She also had a special surprise for me and the rest of the Tanner gang. I rolled off my bed, slipped my shoes back on, and took the long elevator ride back down. Web-based presentation technology I could care less about, but oh, how I loved surprises. I had time for the three block walk to the convention center. Some dweeb rolled past me on a Segway scooter. I guess he really wanted a good seat.
The lecture turned out to be some decent entertainment. Most of the presentation was delivered via a high resolution projection. Some kid in jeans and a tight-fitting plaid shirt on the other side of the country conversed seamlessly with his khaki-wearing counterpart in Orlando. The kid was even able to field questions from the crowd hearing them through a microphone and spying the questioners’ expressions through a digital camera. After a while, I almost forgot he wasn’t actually in the room with us. I wanted to know who their ISP was. I try to stream porn, and I end up vacuuming the house while I wait for the video to buffer.
After the presentation, we reassembled at the booth, and Nell filled us all in on her little surprise.
“I have a little fun lined up for us tonight.”
Don’t tell me she was taking us to the Slit.
“A friend of mine works for one of the theme parks around here. He’s working on a new attraction and has invited us to come by for a sneak peek and dinner.”
Tawny started freaking out as if John, Paul, George, and Ringo walked into the room.
“Oh my God! I love Disneyworld! Omygawd. Omygawd.”
Nell smiled and almost looked like she enjoyed deflating Tawny.
“It’s not Disneyworld, dear.”
Maybe it was the Slit.
Gorin grunted. “This is Marcus Rhys Goodrich you speak of. I will come.” Beneath that beard I could sense a jaw of titanium-coated granite. I couldn’t tell if Gorin liked or wanted to kill this Marcus character.
Nell nodded.
She had also surmised what state I was in. As we dispersed, Nell handed me a little pill and whispered, “Just make sure you make it to the lobby by seven. The train won’t wait, and Marcus assures me, we will be impressed. You might want to cut that in half.”
Now my boss was my pill supplier.
---
I decided to save the whole pill for bedtime and managed to down quite a few cups of coffee before seven o’clock crept up on me. There was a time in my life when I could palpably sense a large dose of caffeine actively coursing through me. I think I was twelve.
I was looking forward to spending more time with the boss lady, but I had mixed feelings about getting cozy with Gorin and Tawny. We all piled into a plush limousine which magically transported us to our surprise destination.
Tawny was visibly excited. There was a twinkle in her eyes. I found it incredible how she had been able to hold on to that innocence and enthusiasm after coming down from that gold medal podium so long ago never to return. I don’t think I ever had that level of hopefulness even when I was a wee lad.
“Did I tell you guys I’m not really all that into surprises?”
“Afraid of the unknown, Shel?” Gorin asked.
“I just like to have all known information revealed as soon as possible, so I can act on it appropriately.”
“That’s not very much fun,” Tawny said.
“Yeah, it’s also not a lot of fun when the surprise is a block of blue cheese when I fucking hate blue cheese.”
“I think Sheldon has trust issues,” suggested Nell.
“You got me.”
“You have to open yourself up enough to let someone know you enough, so that person can invent a worthy surprise for you. Shall I reveal the details, Sheldon, and ruin the surprise for everyone?”
“Please, don’t, Nell,” cried Tawny.
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. It’s a surprise for me too. Marcus wouldn’t tell me anything about it, and I haven’t talked to him in over two years, so I have no idea what he has been working on. What I can say is that Marcus has worked on some amazing theme park experiences in the past. He knows how to please a crowd.”
“There are countless pop culture phenomena that do absolutely nothing for me. And the past does not automatically guarantee future success. I’m just saying.”
“So it’s the cynical Sheldon with us in the limo today.”
“Even if this elevates my consciousness to a previously unreachable dimension, I’ll be annoyed that I wasn’t better prepared to take full advantage of its enlightening powers.”
“No one ever threw you a surprise party?” Tawny asked.
“Someone has. Many have tried. It pisses me off every time.”
Tawny had to know. “Tell us about the worst surprise party anyone has ever thrown for you.”
If I couldn’t ruin the surprise for her, at least I could ruin her optimism over surprise parties.
“Well, my ex-wife pulled off quite a doozy when we were married, and she should have known better. It started off with her claiming that she had to go out of town on business during my birthday. No big deal. ‘You have to work. We’ll celebrate when you get back.’ So (A) I’m not even that sad about it. It’s not like my mamma telling me that it doesn’t look like she can afford to get me the camera I want for Christmas with me walking around dejected up until Christmas only to find out she could afford it, and now I’m angry at her for lying to me. I mean I was happy to get the camera, but I had already written it off and moved on with my life, and now she’s dumping it on me expecting me to be overjoyed. Sorry, Ma. It would have been nice to know you had gotten me the camera before I had already slipped a demo into my backpack at the store with my five finger discount. I can’t undo becoming a thief.
“So let me get back to the story. (B) I don’t think my wife is going to be home, so it’s not like I have to get home right away. I end up telling one of the few people at my work that wasn’t invited to the party about how my wife is out of town on my birthday. I mention that it’s no big deal. I’m not down in the dumps about it. I’m a little miffed that all my friends have shit going on. (They’re really going to my party.) This girl at work thinks, ‘Oh, you can’t be alone on your birthday. I’ll take you out drinking.’ This is a perfectly noble gesture. I’m not going to turn her down. It was my birthday. I was going to knock a few back regardless, and it’s a little less pathetic when you have someone to drink with.
“Hours go by. Everyone is wondering where the hell I am. I’m getting drunker by the minute with my new best friend and her girlfriends. No one can call me to see where I’m at because they’re all supposed to have ‘other plans’. Finally one of my buddies calls me up saying his schedule freed up and he wants to hang out. Maybe we could get a card game going with the other guys or watch a Stallone movie or Caddyshack or Blazing Saddles at my place. Of course I’m cool with that. I figure it wouldn’t be cool to just ditch my colleague and her crew, so I bring them with me. I open the door to my place at like a quarter to eleven surrounded by three young women, and there behind the door is everyone I know. You can kind of imagine how that looked to everyone at the party.”
“Well, Sheldon, being married means no more carousing with other women,” retorted Tawny.
“Yeah, I can understand that to certain degree, but this girl was trying to do something nice for me. I doubt she had any machinations for me. Yeah, I’m always walking a tightrope when women and intoxicating substances are involved, but in this case it was a pretty thick rope.”
“You need to hone your sixth sense, my friend,” advised Gorin.
“Up to that point I had told my wife many times how much I was not down for surprises. I figured someone who supposedly loved me would never consciously do something to me I admittedly despised. But you’re right, with all the other shit she did to me that I despised, I should have seen it coming. I was a little naïve.”
Nell reassured me, “Sheldon, this surprise should be nothing like your unfortunate past experiences.”
We finally arrived at a security gate and were promptly allowed to pass into the subterranean section of a rather large parking structure. A spunky minder and not Marcus Rhys Goodrich himself was there to meet us at the unloading zone. She guided us through a series of underground tunnels until we ascended a staircase back to the open air into what appeared to be a re-creation of a street in an idealized Victorian London with a touch of Dickens, a touch of Goth, and a touch of whimsy. Some of the facades were still incomplete, and the entire street was vacant except for a few anachronistic construction workers. We followed our minder and a row of gas lamps up the street to a grand gothic castle. The level of detail was awe-inspiring. We were in a world that nowadays in Hollywood would be rendered with a computer. We crossed the drawbridge and passed under the portcullis into the courtyard filled with multiple grotesque statues. We entered the main hall of the castle keep, and then our minder bid us adieu closing the giant door behind us.
“If I was in the fifth grade, this would be pretty fucking awesome.”
“This is kind of freaky,” whimpered Tawny.
Suddenly a series of multicolored flashing lights filled the room, and an explosion of thick smoke filled the other end of the room. As the smoke cleared, we saw a small very late middle aged man holding a wooden staff in what could only be called a wizard’s robe. He spoke in a loud and nasally voice. His accent was a Scottish/English hybrid.
“Welcome to MERLIN’S CASTLE!”
Then he had a puzzled look on his face.
“Nell, I didn’t know you were bringing friends.”
“I emailed. I texted. I left you a voicemail. I told you I was bringing my staff. You never got back to me. I assumed it wouldn’t be a problem. You’re always such a gracious host, Marcus.”
It looked like Marcus was the one who was surprised.
“No. No problem at all. One second, while I make some adjustments.”
Marcus pulled up his robe to fish out his phone from a pocket in his jeans. He called to give new instructions to the kitchen and then returned his attention to our group.
“Um, yes. It is a pleasure to meet you all. I recognize you, Mister, uh, Sheldon and of course the great Ms. Tawny Prietch. Hello, Gorin. It’s always a pleasure. Uh, dinner will be arriving a little later, so please feel free to explore the castle while Nell and I discuss some matters. Come back in half hour and everything will be ready.”
Marcus extended his hand to each of us. Tawny gushed. Gorin, Marcus, and Nell exchanged glances as if to make sure Marcus’ suggestion was satisfactory. Apparently it was, so Tawny and I followed Gorin deeper into the castle to let Nell and Marcus talk about whatever it was they needed to talk about.
“Hey, Gorin, you seem to be a little more tuned in to what’s going on around here. I don’t want to pry, but what the hell is going on around here?”
“Marcus is genius, but he is idiot when it comes to women. I am certain he is infatuated with Nell.”
“And you? You’re a genius with the ladies.”
“I am practical.”
Gorin pulled out his mobile phone to show me a picture of him looking like a bearded douche bag on his yacht with a group of Ukrainian models.
“Can we talk about something else?” whined Tawny as we traversed the parapets.
“Okay, Tawny, let’s talk about your fat ass,” said Gorin out of left field.
“Fuck off, Gorin.”
“Uh, Gorin, Tawny is the antithesis of fat,” I said coming to Tawny’s defense.
“Tell him, Tawny.”
Tawny appeared defeated. Here I was with an extremely rich dude and a world class athlete, and it felt like they were rehearsing their lines for a crappy reality show.
“Tawny, I don’t know what Gorin is talking about, and it really doesn’t matter.”
“No, it’s okay. After I won the gold, I kind of went a little downhill trying to get my life together. After the constant routine of gymnastics dominating most of my life up until that point starting from early childhood, it was quite a shock to me emotionally and physically to not have that routine there. My metabolism was super screwed up from all the training and dieting. I just couldn’t stay thin and ballooned up fifty pounds—maybe sixty at the most. I was pretty miserable. If it wasn’t for Nell, I’d probably still be fat and sad.”
“So why are you trying to bring Tawny down, Gorin?”
“She steals my gigs all the time. She doesn’t have business, entrepreneurial background like me, but she does Fortune 500 events. Is silly.”
“Well, Sheldon is doing Burnett Media. How does that make you feel?”
“Yeah, Gorin, what’s your take on Burnett Media? I’ve got a checkered past with them, and somehow I’m in the hot seat on this one.”
“I also have past with Burnett Media. I immediately recuse myself from any dealings with them.”
“Really? You got to tell me about this.”
“After wall come down, I think I can help shape new free market in my home country. I buy radio and TV station in Russia. I always love TV. I like travel shows and information. But running honest station in Russia is very hard. Very early, Burnett Media wants to buy my station. They want into Russian market. Of course I refuse. A few years pass, and is more difficult to ignore suggestions from the state. Sometimes they ask me to change things nicely. Sometimes not so nicely. Sometimes my people get hurt. I need support from global power. I turn back to Burnett. They want majority share. Only way I accept is to remain as CEO. They agree. How long before I step down? Not one year. Manufactured evidence, doctored photographs, implicating me in human trafficking ring. I have to step down. This is Burnett Media. I do not like Burnett Media.”
“Holy fuck, Gorin. I have to say your Burnett Media story totally trumps mine.”
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